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You Might Be in a Cult If…

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By on Humor

(With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

• You might be in a cult if — you have a horror of having the number 144,001 stamped on your forehead.

• You might be in a cult if — “there is more than one way to skin a cat” is a line from your liturgy.

• You might be in a cult if — discipling leaves no visible marks.

• You might be in a cult if — AK47s are standard issue for ushers.

• You might be in a cult if — more than 50% of the books in your house are from one publisher.

• You might be in a cult if — Armageddon figures prominently in your estate planning.

• You might be in a cult if — tea and cola are not allowed, but Kool-Aid is ok.

• You might be in a cult if — you shaved the face of Ultimate Reality this morning.

• You might be in a cult if — your sacred scriptures are found in the Science Fiction section of the bookstore.

• You might be in a cult if — God could be…oh, just about anybody.

Submissions for future editions of You Might Be in a Cult If… accepted, but don’t expect a calendar deal.

(© 2011 Mary Kochan)

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About Author

Mary Kochan, former Senior Editor of CatholicExchange, is one of the founders and Editor-at-large of CatholicLane.com. Raised as a third-generation Jehovah's Witness, Mary worked her way backwards through the Protestant Reformation to enter the Catholic Church on Trinity Sunday, 1996. Mary has spoken in many settings, to groups large and small, on the topic of destructive cultism and has been a guest on both local and national radio programs. To arrange for Mary to speak at your event, you may contact her at kochanmar@gmail.com.

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  • nickkname

    You might be in a cult if…

    – Your leader claims Jesus is just a prophet, while he is the prophet of prophets

    – You regard the Catholic Church as the embodiment of evil and everything wrong

    – You can lie for the sake of the truth, because other people are just stupid

    – You cannot speak about what goes on in the group, no matter who asks it of you

    – You don’t think you’re crazy for believing in one or more conspiracy theories

    – You are okay with severely punishing people for minor faults, or no faults at all

    – You believe the leader is above morality; heck, he can make up his own moral law

    – You are afraid of leaving the group, but would do it if you were brave enough

  • Loud

    -Your leader told you to leave you cell phone and laptop, along with your bank account number, at the entrance of your commune.

    -The wall decorations of your local faith community building features a combination of the Peace sign, the All Seeing Eye, and the the Hammer and Sickle.

    – Hallucigens are a vital part of your faith service.

    – Your founders is someone who openly admired Hitler’s innovation of U.S. laws and your belief system includes targeting black women for abortions and reducing the number of children born in the lower class.

    – You belive that a natural disaster will one day strike the U.S. making the state of Utah the new capital of the world.

    – Your grandfather hated Adolf Hitler….. because that crazy Austrian paranoia made him kill his spies before they carried out his plan to kidnap the Pontiff.