Dear Reader, I have so many friends whose kids are either beginning or ending the orthodontia journey, I found myself revisiting the history of my own daughter’s mouth-capades.
After 6 years of having some form of wire contraption glued in my daughter’s mouth (and us living off of mac & cheese, the clouds parted and angels sang as we finally learned The Day The Braces Come Off was to be 2 days before Halloween. There in the middle of the ortho’s office, my daughter broke into dance and chanted, “There is a God! There is a God!” I broke into tears and yelled, “SCORE! We can afford meat again! And I don’t have to host the candy party ’cause the neighbors are doing it for me!”
Originally, I promised my daughter a candy party to celebrate the end of the Upper Orthodontia Era. (As opposed to the Prelimary Diagnosis Era, Pallette Expander Era, Nightgear Era, Lower Orthontia Era, Lower Retainer Era, Retainer Replacement Era, and the feared upcoming, Never Ending Upper Retainer Era.) The idea was to invite her friends over and indulge in all the previously forbidden foods — hard candy, gum, popcorn, anything coated in sticky caramel.
“There is a God! There is aGodwhatayamean I don’t get a party?”
“Sweetie,” I reasoned, “It’s silly to have a candy party when you’re going trick or treating two days later!” She seemed to buy it but I felt a little guilty. What else could I do to mark this momentous occasion but write a song?
The Twelve Months of Braces
(Even though there were 72, sung to the tune of The 12 Days of Christmas)
On the First month of braces, orthodontia gave to me, A payment plan the size of a tree.
On the Second month of braces, orthodontia gave to me, Two Orthodontists and A Payment Plan the size of a tree.
On the Third month of braces, orthodontia gave to me, Three Styles of Head Gear, Two Orthodontists and A Payment plan the Size of a tree.
On the Fourth month of braces, orthodontia gave to me, Four Appliance Turn Keys, Three Styles of Head Gear, Two Orthodontists and A Payment plan the Size of a tree.
On the Fifth month of braces, orthodontia gave to me, Fiiiiive Plaster Impressions….. Four Appliance Turn Keys, Three Styles of Head Gear, Two Orthodontists and A Payment plan the Size of a tree.
On the Sixth month of braces, orthodontia gave to me, Six Tooth Extractions, Fiiiive Plaster Impressions….. Four Appliance Turn Keys, Three Styles of Head Gear, Two Orthodontists and A Payment plan the Size of a tree.
On the Seventh Day of braces, orthodontia gave to me, Seven Sets of X-rays, Six Tooth Extractions, Fiiiive Plaster Impressions….. Four Appliance Turn Keys, Three Styles of Head Gear, Two Orthodontists and A Payment plan the Size of a tree.
On the Eighth month of braces, orthodontia gave to me, Eight Returned Claim Forms, Seven Sets of X-rays, Six Tooth Extractions, Fiiiive Plaster Impressions….. Four Appliance Turn Keys, Three Styles of Head Gear, Two Orthodontists and A Payment plan the Size of a tree.
On the Ninth month of braces, orthodontia gave to me, Nine Brackets Breaking, Eight Returned Claim Forms, Seven Sets of X-rays, Six Tooth Extractions, Fiiiive Plaster Impressions….. Four Appliance Turn Keys, Three Styles of Head Gear, Two Orthodontists and A Payment plan the Size of a tree.
On the Tenth month of braces, orthodontia gave to me, Ten Bands A – Popping, Nine Brackets Breaking, Eight Returned Claim Forms, Seven Sets of X-rays, Six Tooth Extractions, Fiiiive Plaster Impressions….. Four Appliance Turn Keys, Three Styles of Head Gear, Two Orthodontists and A Payment plan the Size of a tree.
On the Eleventh month of braces, orthodontia gave to me, Eleven Late Appointments, Ten Bands A – Popping, Nine Brackets Breaking, Eight Returned Claim Forms, Seven Sets of X-rays, Six Tooth Extractions, Fiiiive Plaster Impressions….. Four Appliance Turn Keys, Three Styles of Head Gear, Two Orthodontists and A Payment plan the Size of a tree.
On the Twelfth month of braces, orthodontia gave to me, Twelve Ounces of Fluoride, Eleven Late Appointments, Ten Bands A – Popping, Nine Brackets Breaking, Eight Returned Claim Forms, Seven Sets of X-rays, Six Tooth Extractions, Fiiiive Plaster Impressions….. Four Appliance Turn Keys, Three Styles of Head Gear, Two Orthodontists and A Payment plan the Size of a tree.
